Winter Nights
by: me!!

He stood outside her door, confused about what had happened, and trying to think of a way to tell her. Did she already know? He knocked on the door, and she opened it slowly. What little nerves he had left shattered when he saw the tears in her eyes. She let him in without her saying a word. He couldn’t look her in the face, and with every soft sob his heart fell a little more. She sat on the couch, and he sat by her side. After a few moments of silence, she softly asked "why?" he bowed his head, and didn’t know how to answer. He used to believe everything he did had logic behind it, but this...this had no reason. He sat in silence, and she understood he didn’t have an answer. He wanted to say a thousand sorrys, and a thousand other things, but his voice had left him. He was still trying to understand what he had done, and yet he couldn't.

He didn’t kno what to do, and now his stupid decision came back to bite him on the ass. As she sat in silence, he was trying to think of something to say. He loved her, and now he didn’t think she knew that. But just saying it...that would never be enough. He didn’t kno what to do; he couldn’t stand the thought of losing her. she said "I thought you loved me". And his heart hit a lower point than he ever imagined. He did love her. He still loved her, and now he spoke "I did, and do" she said "then...why?" he said, "I thought you had broken up with me, I didn’t know what I would do with out you. I never was good at handling things" she sighed, and half smiled. He said "what I did was wrong and stupid, and I don’t kno how to tell you how sorry I am" then she said, "I can never think of u the same again...to think that you and her were together, even for just one night, I cant stand the image I see of you".

He didn’t know what he could say. He sat in silence, and she said, "Whenever I think about it all I can see is this image of you and her. Wouldn’t it bother you to see this image of some man with his hands all over me, with him kissing me? Would that drive you as crazy as this drives me? Then all of sudden he got this image of her and some stranger with blonde hair all over her. He couldn’t stand it. He also knew that if just imagining it happening crushed him this much, how badly could this be bothering her? She sat next to him, not longer crying, she had no tears left. She wasn’t sobbing anymore; she was just shaking, trying to figure out what had happened. He felt his heart drop even lower, and with this he reached an all time low. He felt as though he had crushed someone with one stupid decision. Then he realized, that’s exactly what he had done.

He didn’t kno what he could do to help make her feel better, but there was nothing he could do. If he tried to comfort her as he had for the last 5 months, then she would kick him out. She’d never let him touch her, and his arm around her shoulders was not an option. She stood up, and went to the other chair, and he followed, sitting backwards in one of her kitchen chairs. He started to beg for forgiveness, but he didn’t expect to be forgiven, for a long time. If ever. After an hour of him explaining what happened, she sat in the corner, on the floor. He knelt down on his knees and said, "I kno what happened was wrong, and stupid, and I can never forgive myself. But there is one thing that still hasn’t changed between us. I still love you, and I am hoping you still love me" she thought she had cried herself dry, yet more tears came. She replied, "Me not loving you isn’t the problem. Me not being able to trust you is the problem. I thought of you as the one person in my life that would never do anything that would hurt me. Now, I don’t kno what to think” he wanted to reach foreword and let her cry in his arms, but for the first time ever, he was the source of her tears. It wasn’t her terrible friends, it wasn’t her dysfunctional family, it was him.

She stood up and walked past him, unable to look at him. He watched her pass, and then drops herself onto the futon chair. He sat on the edge of the loveseat next to the chair. And watched her decide what she was going to say. He still couldn’t believe he was the source of her tears. He was always the one she'd call when she needed a shoulder to cry on, and now she had no one. He wanted to bang his head against a brick wall. Seeing her cry, and not being able to do anything about it made him feel terrible. He bowed his head, and prayed he could hold himself together. He wasn’t going to ever forgive himself for this. She had the most depressing eyes he had ever seen her with. He was used to seeing her cheerful, or possibly a little upset when something bad happened, but this was neither of these. Her eyes looked as though they had cried a million tears, and were ready to cry a million more. He remembered when he first looked into those eyes. He knew then that she was the girl for him. Now, he'd blown it. He had made the stupidest decision of his life, and he felt like he was going to lose the one he loved.

She sat in silence, as if she was trying to understand what was happening. He told her everything. He spilled it all when she looked him in they eyes, at the same time she was crying. She looked like a lost child, scared, confused and wanting their mother. She looked like he had never seen her before, and he hoped that she would never feel as guilty and as bad as he felt now. They had never done anything both of them were not comfortable with, there were never awkward moments, she had always been so open with him, and he had been the same with her. Now, he couldn’t believe how different this was. He loved her, more than he had ever realized. And even though he didn’t know it, she loved him just as much in return. She was just wounded, like a battered child. She was emotionally detached, and he felt like crap for doing this to her. She was so beautiful in his eyes, and he had always loved everything about her. Then he said, "I know I've said it a thousand times, but I really am sorry" she said, "I still love you...but I don’t know how I an trust you, I don’t kno if I can ever forget or forgive" he said "I never expect you to forgive me. What I did was EXTREMELY stupid, and it was wrong in a zillion ways. I just hope you wont just...break it off. But if you do, I understand." she sighed, and said, "right now, I wish I could just break it off. And even though I know I should, I cant. I’ve known you for to long, and you've always been there for me...the thing is, I love you Dan, and I cant just forget that. But I can also never forget what happened."

Now, he felt even worse. From what she had last said, she loved him as much as he loved her, even after he made an ass of himself. And now, he was causing her unnecessary stress and he had just ruined a life...not just his own, but the life of the women he loved. She stood up, and walked to the other side of him. She sat next to him and laid her head on his shoulder. He was fighting back tears, for the first time in his life he felt like he knew he was loved. He lifted his arm, and wrapped it around her. She hid her face in his chest, and he ran his hand up and down her back. She was shaking, and he knew she was crying again. He didn’t consider her weak for it, he thought of her as one of the strongest people he ever knew.

She ran her hand around his chest so it was by his side, and she said, "did you ever feel the same with...her...as you do with me?" he said, "no one ever makes me feel the way you make me feel. No one ever will. She sighed, and started to calm down. Though she was still upset, for good reason, she was getting some control over her emotions. He sat still as a stone, except for his hand, which was sliding up and down her back. She rose up off of his chest, and looked him in the eyes. They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment, then he had the urge to kiss her. He went forward, but before their lips made contact she turned, and he kissed her cheek. He didn’t know why this bothered him so much, but then he realized that trying to kiss her after she told you she sees an image of you kissing another girl is probably not a good idea. He immediately said, “im sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” She laid her head back on his chest sadly, and he felt like he was finally understanding how she felt. He, on the other hand, felt like an asshole. He had broken her heart, and then he wanted to kiss her. That was something he would never let himself live down.

They sat on the couch, the awkward silence ringing in their ears. He was afraid of what would happen if he moved, so he didn’t move a muscle. She stayed on his chest for longer than either of them knew. While there, she was thinking all this over. She loved him, she always had. He did not want to have her move, he did not quite understand why she hadn’t slapped him and kicked him out, but he was grateful that she hadn’t.